This is it. Don't get scared now.

Four days until my hearing for my name change.

This is it. Don't get scared now.

Terms of Surrender

I was talking with a friend earlier today regarding my transitional experiences and levels of support. Both have been astoundingly positive, with the exception of one thing which irks me. I have spoken to a few trans individuals that have tried to define the terms of my 'transness' or what I have to do to become a woman, in a dictatorial fashion.

To those:
Fuck you. I will do as I please when I fucking please. You probably have not known me long enough to realize that I don't care what anybody thinks of me. My sense of self is greater than most will ever know. I am who I am, not a generic feminine transsexual ideal. See me as Ashley or some trans abomination. See me as an individual and not some crony to fall in line at the back of your wolf pack. See. Me.

April 11th: Judgement Day

My name change papers have been filed and barring any setbacks I will legally become Ashley Alexandria on April 11th!

May 1st, 2012 - Its On!

As of now, May 1st is set as the date that I will arrive at work as a woman! Full time from that point forward! Aaaaaaahhhhh excited!

One small step towards vag, one giant leap for Ashleykind

I came out at work yesterday. It was the most nerve racking thing I have ever done. The HR manager jumped up and hugged me, which felt good. Everybody was real positive about it and supportive. It felt good, but I was shaking during the whole thing. So scary to finally do it. It is not officially public knowledge yet, but it will be soon. Scary and very exciting at the same time!

Girls Night

Today I had some female friends over for a girls afternoon/night thing. This was my first appearance as Ashley to any of my friends. It went really really really well. Just a really good time, and it felt great to be the real me in front of them. They totally accepted me as a girl, which was fantastic. I can never thank them enough.

And I was looking pretty damn hot, so thats another plus.

Level 2-1: Hormone Zone

My hormone prescription has been increased by 50%. Current testosterone count is in the 170s, while estrogen is around 100. Original testosterone count was I believe 370-400, somewhere in there. I suspected the original prescription was low, so this is not surprising. Oh well, I am seeing results and that makes me happy regardless.

Naming Conventions and Fractured Dimensions: Breakin' a Sweat

A number of random thoughts:

1. Apparently NOBODY likes Ashley as my name. The most common response: "Every Ashley I have ever known has been a bitch". Not good. I don't want people to think I am a bitch before they even meet me! Meet me first, THEN realize that I am a bitch. The only other name I am keen on is Brook. Thoughts?

2. I also broke my finger last week, which has hampered any hopes of dressing or wearing makeup. Putting on clothes is a PAIN IN THE ASS. Actually just about everything is a pain right now, but putting my hand into a sleeve is the absolute worst.

3. This past weekend I met a trans friend for lunch and had a blast. I think she had a good time too, so that's pretty darn amazing. She is about to start HRT(hormone replacement therapy) too and I am so proud of her. It is never easy to get to that step. I have talked to her partner a few times and she seems pretty positive and even railed against my wife for leaving me. Impressive!

4. I went to my doctor to have my hormone levels checked and they provided me a "safe passage" letter, which apparently I can use to have my name and gender changed on my drivers license! They also provided me with forms that I can use to change my name without paying the normal fees! This saves me like $500! So happy! :)

5. The inevitable 'coming out' at work has me terrified. It won't be for a while, but it scares the shit out of me. :(

6. Maybe its the vag inside of me, but I CANNOT stop listening to this:

Adventures in Makeup

I think I am done using powder. No matter which one I try my face looks disgusting. Foundation ftw! Fuck you, Bare Minerals.

I have to go very minimal on the makeup it seems, or I look I am made of sand.

Bonded by Ice Cream

Thanks to Ben and Jerry's, I have met an awesome girl on the interwebz. She is in a similar situation as me, and has a few shared experiences with regards to our transitions. It always feels amazing to meet other people in this situation, but I feel like we've really bonded and I'm super excited! Yay!

Back on top!

Seriously. Best. Friends. Ever.

You are all amazing. Thank you for all your love and support. I can't even describe how much you all mean to me. I feel so needy and everybody has been there for me throughout my mood swings. Going through puberty a second time certainly wears on you.

Thank you all!

Doubting myself again

I am starting to feel conflicted again. I am entering a middle ground between male and female now. My boobs are starting to become somewhat noticeable. Sometimes I just don't feel feminine at all. Sometimes I don't feel masculine at all. I feel...like an alien or something. I just want to feel normal again :(

Fore!

It feels like I have golf balls growing underneath my nipples. Are boobs actually just giant cysts?

Consultation with Dr. Steve Brule

A touching moment

Yesterday I went to get my bloodwork done which I guess tests kidney and liver function.  No results yet, but my doctor said something along the lines of "Welcome to womanhood" and used "we"(implying I was part of it) quite a bit.   That is something so small, but something that felt so wonderful.  It really made my day.  I went in "boy mode", but boy mode is starting to feel awkward, especially when I go to these medical appointments.  Once I get some new womens shoes that fit properly, its going to be all-on femme when I go in there.

I also spent the rest of the day fully dressed as a chick.  I didn't leave the house, but it felt awesome!

Bronies and Lips

There is an alarming amount of creepy sexual My Little Pony stuff on the internet.

Rainbow Dash does not approve.


Also, my upper lip has filled out a little bit.  That's some random shit.  Yay hormones!

Hit me, Hit me, Hit me with those laser beams!

I have returned from my first laser hair removal session!  It went swimmingly.  They rub goo all over your face and then zap the shit out of you.  It didn't really hurt except on my upper lip, and it doesn't hurt that much.  Its like having a rubber band snapped against your face.  It took about 30 mins for my mustache/beard region.  I can tell they didn't get all the hairs as I can feel my stubble starting to come in.  That's ok, I have at least 8 more sessions and they are already paid for.  The woman that did the procedure was very nice, and pretty hot, so that helped.  There was no redness/swelling like I had expected.  Very pleasant!

Also...my skin looks pretty damn radiant right now.  :)

A Breasted Development

There appears to be breast growth taking place.  I can't workout without a sports bra anymore.  I can feel my boobs flopping around when I jog.  Painful!

Back in Black

"I'm declaring war! What am I declaring war on? Stress! Stress is a disease, people, and I am the cure. I'm a doctor with a cure. No I'm not. I'm a general and it's still a war. A war on disease! ....Stress!"
-Denholm Reynholm

Maximum stress.  It's waning, but for the last few weeks my levels of stress have been as high as they have ever been.  After a few calm days, I am feeling much better.   My transition has definitely been a big source of stress.

I keep asking myself, "Have I done X?  Do I need to do Y?  I need to work on Z as well." Many of these items are related to a 'being feminine enough to be a woman.' or 'being lady-like' or whatever.  Somewhere I lost my way worrying about this too much.  Women come in all shapes and sizes with different styles of dress and different attitudes towards life.  I remembered today that I don't have to change who I am inside.  If I end up being a tomboy, so be it.  My goal should not be to become a perfect angel.  There is a feminine side to me that I don't show many people which will probably surface more and more, but there is no reason for me to stress myself out over bras and shoes right now.  I can be Joan Jett if I want and there's nothing wrong with that.

Over the last few weeks, when I had lost sight of all this, I lost myself.  My faint cries for help were heard by many, and literally 30+ people showed me support in my greatest time of need. For this, I am thankful.  I have the best friends ever!

"Am I Ashley, or Rob?" -- I kept asking myself this.  The answer is, I am me and my name does not matter. I need to be myself.  Now come to me, my delicious Estradiol.

Descending into Madness

I have lost my mind.

I dumped all of my hormones into the toilet and flushed them.

I cut all of my hair off.

I hate how I feel. My emotions are so unstable right now that I can't tell if I want to hug you or stab you in the face. When I am alone, my thoughts turn to terrible things. My stress and anxiety levels are skyrocketing.

Why am I cursed?

Why does gender impact me so much? What happened to me to cause this? I want to be normal again, but feel as though "normal" is lightyears away at this point. Is there some place where I can just be happy? I don't care if I am male or female. I just want peace.