A Breasted Development

There appears to be breast growth taking place.  I can't workout without a sports bra anymore.  I can feel my boobs flopping around when I jog.  Painful!

Back in Black

"I'm declaring war! What am I declaring war on? Stress! Stress is a disease, people, and I am the cure. I'm a doctor with a cure. No I'm not. I'm a general and it's still a war. A war on disease! ....Stress!"
-Denholm Reynholm

Maximum stress.  It's waning, but for the last few weeks my levels of stress have been as high as they have ever been.  After a few calm days, I am feeling much better.   My transition has definitely been a big source of stress.

I keep asking myself, "Have I done X?  Do I need to do Y?  I need to work on Z as well." Many of these items are related to a 'being feminine enough to be a woman.' or 'being lady-like' or whatever.  Somewhere I lost my way worrying about this too much.  Women come in all shapes and sizes with different styles of dress and different attitudes towards life.  I remembered today that I don't have to change who I am inside.  If I end up being a tomboy, so be it.  My goal should not be to become a perfect angel.  There is a feminine side to me that I don't show many people which will probably surface more and more, but there is no reason for me to stress myself out over bras and shoes right now.  I can be Joan Jett if I want and there's nothing wrong with that.

Over the last few weeks, when I had lost sight of all this, I lost myself.  My faint cries for help were heard by many, and literally 30+ people showed me support in my greatest time of need. For this, I am thankful.  I have the best friends ever!

"Am I Ashley, or Rob?" -- I kept asking myself this.  The answer is, I am me and my name does not matter. I need to be myself.  Now come to me, my delicious Estradiol.

Descending into Madness

I have lost my mind.

I dumped all of my hormones into the toilet and flushed them.

I cut all of my hair off.

I hate how I feel. My emotions are so unstable right now that I can't tell if I want to hug you or stab you in the face. When I am alone, my thoughts turn to terrible things. My stress and anxiety levels are skyrocketing.

Why am I cursed?

Why does gender impact me so much? What happened to me to cause this? I want to be normal again, but feel as though "normal" is lightyears away at this point. Is there some place where I can just be happy? I don't care if I am male or female. I just want peace.

Shes gone.

Last night, my wife officially left me. I drove her and one of our dogs to her parents house. The second I met her after work I started bawling my eyes out. It continued non-stop for the next 5 hours. I'm driving home last night sobbing all over my Burger King sandwich. Total wreck.

I came home to a dog that was very happy to see me. He kept running around the house trying to find our other dog and my wife. I don't think I have ever been so sad... :(

I really needed to take today off work, but of course my coworker has jury duty today, so I'm fucked. I hope people don't mind tears on their keyboards when I help them out.

:(

Cheese Nips

Two weeks into HRT and my nips have become really sensitive. They were always a bit sensitive to begin with, but now its roughly twice that. A guy's elbow on the train kept brushing against them this past weekend. My face was like: O_O

That is all.

Bein' Straight

First:
I have purchased a posture corrector! It's pretty awesome and will force my shoulders back into the proper position. Can't wait until it comes in the mail!




Second:
I'm not into dudes and I don't want to get pedicures with you. My feetz is nasty and nobody should be subjected to them without shoes on.

Third:
Definitely feeling different in the undies. It takes much longer to stir the little guy from slumber. It feels like something is literally missing from inside my junk. Obviously that would be the testosterone, but its amazing how it physically feels different. Takes much longer to reach orgasm, but it feels better when I get there. Maybe the extra work equals a bigger payoff? I dunno. Interesting times.

Youthinasia for your Wang

I would ideally like my sex drive to be reduced by about 50%. Prior to starting estrogen, I was horny CONSTANTLY. I've read that the term "use it or lose it" actually applies in this situation, so I'm trying to be as active as I can with it. It would be nice to someday go to bed without having to jerk off at least once. Currently, I feel a slight reduction, but I believe its due to me just being tired as fuck from working out all the time. I developed f'ing Runners Knee in 2 weeks. I ALWAYS get hurt when I work out. WTF.

And I'm aware that I spelled "euthanasia" wrong.

That's No Moon...It's a Trans Station

Gather 'round children. Tonight I shall regale you with the tale of how I obtained hormones.

First: Therapy. Technically, not a requirement thanks to Informed Consent, but an important step nonetheless. It's good to get in there and talk it out. Saying everything out loud to another person makes it real, instead of a bunch of BS floating around in your head. I always thought therapy was a bunch of crap, until I actually needed it. Very helpful.

After attending therapy for a few months it became more and more clear to me that I am transgendered and had been keeping it hidden for all my life. Now, it was time to do something about it. So I called the only Informed Consent clinic in the area that I am aware of, Howard Brown. I checked with my insurance company and thankfully they covered it. I scheduled my first appointment to take part in their "Thinc" program, which is designed to get hormones to trans patients without all hoops that you would need to jump through seeing a normal doctor, endocrinologist, etc.

The program is divide into three parts. First, an initial doctor consultation and hormone level analysis. Second, meeting with a therapist. Third, another medical appointment to discuss your choice in hormones.

In my initial consultation, they discussed what to expect should I start hormones, what my goals are, and how I came to have those goals and did a general physical examination. Prior to meeting with the doctor, I was all nerved out. Scared as fuck. I walk into the waiting room and there's 3 burly middle age gay men staring me down. I was a bit intimidated and sat quietly in the corner of the room. Then in walks a pretty hot girl, who I slowly start to realize was a man at one time. This inspired me a bit and gave me hope that someday I too will be an attractive female, or at least a passable one. Shortly after, I get called in. The doctor I met with was extremely nice and seemed happy for me. This made me feel great.

Next came the blood work. I was given a multi-page form with the listings of all the tests they needed to perform to check hormone levels. When I saw official paperwork with my name on it and my estrogen levels, I was floored. It hit me that this was finally becoming a reality. After more than 20 years of hiding myself from people, I was finally going to be free. So I head into the lab and they bleed me dry. Wasn't too bad, but they did take a ton of blood. The woman that took my blood was extremely nice too. I felt very comfortable. End of day 1.

The following day I had my second Thinc appointment. I had to go to a different location for this, which also handles uninsured HIV patients. Very sad to know that some of those people in the waiting room probably had HIV. I get called in after a short wait and met one of the therapists there. I spoke about my goals, my background, etc. She was phenomenal. Treated me with a ton of respect and laughed at some of my jokes. A winning combination right there. She even got my female name out of me, which I had been guarding. Had a fantastic time. How often do you say that about medical appointments?

The third appointment was back at the location of my first appointment. Very straight forward appointment. "These are your options, pick two, ok you're done. Go get them at Walgreens". In and out in about 20 mins. Answered any questions I had and was very pleasant. Can't ask for much more.

I highly recommend the Thinc program to any trans individuals out there that feel stagnant due to medical hoops they are forced to jump through.

So I have picked up my prescription and been on estrogen for about 5 hours now. I feel really calm, but maybe I'm just tired. Otherwise, no noticeable differences yet.