Adventures in Makeup

I think I am done using powder. No matter which one I try my face looks disgusting. Foundation ftw! Fuck you, Bare Minerals.

I have to go very minimal on the makeup it seems, or I look I am made of sand.

Bonded by Ice Cream

Thanks to Ben and Jerry's, I have met an awesome girl on the interwebz. She is in a similar situation as me, and has a few shared experiences with regards to our transitions. It always feels amazing to meet other people in this situation, but I feel like we've really bonded and I'm super excited! Yay!

Back on top!

Seriously. Best. Friends. Ever.

You are all amazing. Thank you for all your love and support. I can't even describe how much you all mean to me. I feel so needy and everybody has been there for me throughout my mood swings. Going through puberty a second time certainly wears on you.

Thank you all!

Doubting myself again

I am starting to feel conflicted again. I am entering a middle ground between male and female now. My boobs are starting to become somewhat noticeable. Sometimes I just don't feel feminine at all. Sometimes I don't feel masculine at all. I feel...like an alien or something. I just want to feel normal again :(

Fore!

It feels like I have golf balls growing underneath my nipples. Are boobs actually just giant cysts?

Consultation with Dr. Steve Brule

A touching moment

Yesterday I went to get my bloodwork done which I guess tests kidney and liver function.  No results yet, but my doctor said something along the lines of "Welcome to womanhood" and used "we"(implying I was part of it) quite a bit.   That is something so small, but something that felt so wonderful.  It really made my day.  I went in "boy mode", but boy mode is starting to feel awkward, especially when I go to these medical appointments.  Once I get some new womens shoes that fit properly, its going to be all-on femme when I go in there.

I also spent the rest of the day fully dressed as a chick.  I didn't leave the house, but it felt awesome!

Bronies and Lips

There is an alarming amount of creepy sexual My Little Pony stuff on the internet.

Rainbow Dash does not approve.


Also, my upper lip has filled out a little bit.  That's some random shit.  Yay hormones!

Hit me, Hit me, Hit me with those laser beams!

I have returned from my first laser hair removal session!  It went swimmingly.  They rub goo all over your face and then zap the shit out of you.  It didn't really hurt except on my upper lip, and it doesn't hurt that much.  Its like having a rubber band snapped against your face.  It took about 30 mins for my mustache/beard region.  I can tell they didn't get all the hairs as I can feel my stubble starting to come in.  That's ok, I have at least 8 more sessions and they are already paid for.  The woman that did the procedure was very nice, and pretty hot, so that helped.  There was no redness/swelling like I had expected.  Very pleasant!

Also...my skin looks pretty damn radiant right now.  :)

A Breasted Development

There appears to be breast growth taking place.  I can't workout without a sports bra anymore.  I can feel my boobs flopping around when I jog.  Painful!

Back in Black

"I'm declaring war! What am I declaring war on? Stress! Stress is a disease, people, and I am the cure. I'm a doctor with a cure. No I'm not. I'm a general and it's still a war. A war on disease! ....Stress!"
-Denholm Reynholm

Maximum stress.  It's waning, but for the last few weeks my levels of stress have been as high as they have ever been.  After a few calm days, I am feeling much better.   My transition has definitely been a big source of stress.

I keep asking myself, "Have I done X?  Do I need to do Y?  I need to work on Z as well." Many of these items are related to a 'being feminine enough to be a woman.' or 'being lady-like' or whatever.  Somewhere I lost my way worrying about this too much.  Women come in all shapes and sizes with different styles of dress and different attitudes towards life.  I remembered today that I don't have to change who I am inside.  If I end up being a tomboy, so be it.  My goal should not be to become a perfect angel.  There is a feminine side to me that I don't show many people which will probably surface more and more, but there is no reason for me to stress myself out over bras and shoes right now.  I can be Joan Jett if I want and there's nothing wrong with that.

Over the last few weeks, when I had lost sight of all this, I lost myself.  My faint cries for help were heard by many, and literally 30+ people showed me support in my greatest time of need. For this, I am thankful.  I have the best friends ever!

"Am I Ashley, or Rob?" -- I kept asking myself this.  The answer is, I am me and my name does not matter. I need to be myself.  Now come to me, my delicious Estradiol.

Descending into Madness

I have lost my mind.

I dumped all of my hormones into the toilet and flushed them.

I cut all of my hair off.

I hate how I feel. My emotions are so unstable right now that I can't tell if I want to hug you or stab you in the face. When I am alone, my thoughts turn to terrible things. My stress and anxiety levels are skyrocketing.

Why am I cursed?

Why does gender impact me so much? What happened to me to cause this? I want to be normal again, but feel as though "normal" is lightyears away at this point. Is there some place where I can just be happy? I don't care if I am male or female. I just want peace.

Shes gone.

Last night, my wife officially left me. I drove her and one of our dogs to her parents house. The second I met her after work I started bawling my eyes out. It continued non-stop for the next 5 hours. I'm driving home last night sobbing all over my Burger King sandwich. Total wreck.

I came home to a dog that was very happy to see me. He kept running around the house trying to find our other dog and my wife. I don't think I have ever been so sad... :(

I really needed to take today off work, but of course my coworker has jury duty today, so I'm fucked. I hope people don't mind tears on their keyboards when I help them out.

:(

Cheese Nips

Two weeks into HRT and my nips have become really sensitive. They were always a bit sensitive to begin with, but now its roughly twice that. A guy's elbow on the train kept brushing against them this past weekend. My face was like: O_O

That is all.

Bein' Straight

First:
I have purchased a posture corrector! It's pretty awesome and will force my shoulders back into the proper position. Can't wait until it comes in the mail!




Second:
I'm not into dudes and I don't want to get pedicures with you. My feetz is nasty and nobody should be subjected to them without shoes on.

Third:
Definitely feeling different in the undies. It takes much longer to stir the little guy from slumber. It feels like something is literally missing from inside my junk. Obviously that would be the testosterone, but its amazing how it physically feels different. Takes much longer to reach orgasm, but it feels better when I get there. Maybe the extra work equals a bigger payoff? I dunno. Interesting times.

Youthinasia for your Wang

I would ideally like my sex drive to be reduced by about 50%. Prior to starting estrogen, I was horny CONSTANTLY. I've read that the term "use it or lose it" actually applies in this situation, so I'm trying to be as active as I can with it. It would be nice to someday go to bed without having to jerk off at least once. Currently, I feel a slight reduction, but I believe its due to me just being tired as fuck from working out all the time. I developed f'ing Runners Knee in 2 weeks. I ALWAYS get hurt when I work out. WTF.

And I'm aware that I spelled "euthanasia" wrong.

That's No Moon...It's a Trans Station

Gather 'round children. Tonight I shall regale you with the tale of how I obtained hormones.

First: Therapy. Technically, not a requirement thanks to Informed Consent, but an important step nonetheless. It's good to get in there and talk it out. Saying everything out loud to another person makes it real, instead of a bunch of BS floating around in your head. I always thought therapy was a bunch of crap, until I actually needed it. Very helpful.

After attending therapy for a few months it became more and more clear to me that I am transgendered and had been keeping it hidden for all my life. Now, it was time to do something about it. So I called the only Informed Consent clinic in the area that I am aware of, Howard Brown. I checked with my insurance company and thankfully they covered it. I scheduled my first appointment to take part in their "Thinc" program, which is designed to get hormones to trans patients without all hoops that you would need to jump through seeing a normal doctor, endocrinologist, etc.

The program is divide into three parts. First, an initial doctor consultation and hormone level analysis. Second, meeting with a therapist. Third, another medical appointment to discuss your choice in hormones.

In my initial consultation, they discussed what to expect should I start hormones, what my goals are, and how I came to have those goals and did a general physical examination. Prior to meeting with the doctor, I was all nerved out. Scared as fuck. I walk into the waiting room and there's 3 burly middle age gay men staring me down. I was a bit intimidated and sat quietly in the corner of the room. Then in walks a pretty hot girl, who I slowly start to realize was a man at one time. This inspired me a bit and gave me hope that someday I too will be an attractive female, or at least a passable one. Shortly after, I get called in. The doctor I met with was extremely nice and seemed happy for me. This made me feel great.

Next came the blood work. I was given a multi-page form with the listings of all the tests they needed to perform to check hormone levels. When I saw official paperwork with my name on it and my estrogen levels, I was floored. It hit me that this was finally becoming a reality. After more than 20 years of hiding myself from people, I was finally going to be free. So I head into the lab and they bleed me dry. Wasn't too bad, but they did take a ton of blood. The woman that took my blood was extremely nice too. I felt very comfortable. End of day 1.

The following day I had my second Thinc appointment. I had to go to a different location for this, which also handles uninsured HIV patients. Very sad to know that some of those people in the waiting room probably had HIV. I get called in after a short wait and met one of the therapists there. I spoke about my goals, my background, etc. She was phenomenal. Treated me with a ton of respect and laughed at some of my jokes. A winning combination right there. She even got my female name out of me, which I had been guarding. Had a fantastic time. How often do you say that about medical appointments?

The third appointment was back at the location of my first appointment. Very straight forward appointment. "These are your options, pick two, ok you're done. Go get them at Walgreens". In and out in about 20 mins. Answered any questions I had and was very pleasant. Can't ask for much more.

I highly recommend the Thinc program to any trans individuals out there that feel stagnant due to medical hoops they are forced to jump through.

So I have picked up my prescription and been on estrogen for about 5 hours now. I feel really calm, but maybe I'm just tired. Otherwise, no noticeable differences yet.

Endings and Beginnings

Pending blood results, I should be producing the correct female levels of estrogen by tomorrow evening!

The end of one clouded life, and the beginning of a life of haze-free sunshine and rainbows or something like that!

Freezing

I now understand layers and women constantly being cold. I've removed about 90% of my body hair. Constantly cold. OH FUDGE.

Goals

This is the first of a set a goals I will be developing over the next few weeks:

Goal: Dressing female every night that wife is not home. Excluding nights when out of the house.
Date: From today onward

The Voice of a New Generation

So I have been practicing my female voice. The exercises are absolutely hilarious. Sounding like Mickey Mouse for 30 mins every day makes for a good time. I think I am making some progress though. I've hit a suitable tone/range, but need to build the strength to hold that voice. I've been following "CandiFLA" on YouTube. Her videos are awesome. So jealous of her voice! Someday...someday.

The Final Countdown(First and a half Sequence)

I have scheduled my first laser hair removal session!  December 3rd....so long, facial hair!

The Final Countdown(First Sequence)

Welcome to part 1 of an expanding series, entitled "The Final Countdown". This series of countdowns will be related to transition milestones.  Milestone 1: Obtain Hormones.  Barring a bloodwork catastrophe, I shall obtain my hormone prescriptions on November 1st!

I may even celebrate with a wine cooler.  Imagine that.

Listen...I'm not gay. I'm gay.

I am transitioning and changing my gender, but that does not mean I magically like men.  Who knows what will happen on hormones, but right now I want cock just as much as any straight male.  Once I go female full time, I shall be a lesbian.  Alot of guys out there always say "heh, yeah I'm a lesbian at heart."  I guess I actually meant it when I said it.  Now I must learn the art of scissoring.

SCISSOR ME, XERXES!

My Balls and You: The Definitive Guide

My testicles.  I don't hate them.  I don't hate my penis.  Do I want them?  Not particularly, but if I'm stuck with them, so be it.  Not a big deal, as there is more to being a woman than oft-covered genitalia.  My therapist has suggested that this makes me "genderqueer" or "bigendered", but thats a bunch of BS.  I'm just realistic about the costs of surgery.  Do you have $25,000 just lying around?  I sure don't. 

I remember thinking around age 14 that somehow a second puberty would start and my boobs and hips would grow.  This distance led to extreme discomfort, especially in P.E..Changing clothes around what I perceived as the opposite sex was terrifying.  Fuck...and having to wear little speedo swimsuits during the swim portion.  Just about killed me.  Not really...but it certainly sucked.

Sex for me has never been what others seem to experience.  Penile/Vaginal intercourse feels good, but not THAT good.  Wearing a condom?  May as well turn over and go to sleep because there definitely won't be any pleasure there.  I have never found myself thinking about what I would do to someone.  I may say "oh man I want to bang her", but what I'm thinking inside is "I hope she's aggressive in the sack, because I can't be and obtain any enjoyment out of it." 

I also cannot stand people touching my testicles.  My body enters a state of panic when another persons hands enter the Testes Zone. I always thought this was just some weird thing about me, but am realizing this was probably the first severe physical manifestation of gender dysphoria.  These same panic-y feelings are what I had been experiencing prior to seeking a therapist.  That subconscious reinforcement that I have the physical body of a male.  I hate it.   

Shapeshifting - The Beginning

This is my first post on my journey from boy to girl.   A wolf turning into a rainbow studded butterfly.....or something.  Can I be some sort of goth butterfly instead?  Is there a middle ground? I hope so, because I ain't wearing any Betsey Johnson B.S.  Gaudy nonsense.  Putting 30 random trinkets you stole from Grandma on a piece of string is not fashionable or attractive in any way.  Girls, you look like trend hopping hobos with that shit on.  Stop it!


Current status:

28 years old, living as male for now, 2 months into therapy sessions, completed 2 of 3 appointments at an Informed Consent clinic.  Appointment 3 = prescription for hormones(estrogen, in this case), testosterone blockers, etc.  Currently "out" to friends and family.  Boss knows as well.

For those unaware of Informed Consent, basically you prove to them that you're healthy enough for hormones, and that you're not batshit crazy, then they give you the hormones.  These types of clinics are rare.  The guidelines most people must follow involve a full year of therapy, living as the opposite gender for a certain period of time, etc, before you are approved for HRT(hormone replacement therapy).  Informed Consent is a godsend.  Trans people do not want to spend months or years looking like a dude in a dress(or a girl in guys clothes for FTM) before they are finally approved to start HRT, which will take years to complete.  This will allow them to form their on plan for transition, which is very important.